Last Comic Standing, season 5, episode 9

Welcome avid comedy reader; you've come at a wonderful time in comedy: Last Comic Standing, season 5 is almost over! This episode was to determine who was going to be in the top 5…a huge step in ending this horrific experience. I wasn't the only who was excited, as Doug Benson put it: "I can't tell you how excited I am, but I could show you if I stood up."

This week's episode was based on speed dating. Except this time, and watch how clever the producers were, it was called "speed-laughing" and as Bill Bellamy put it, you would have to make a "laugh connection" instead of a "love connection." Get it?! Because the comics will rotate just like you would with your dates, but you have to make them laugh! Oh, man, it always boggles my mind how this show was almost cancelled. Now who are their "dates" you might be wondering…why none other than 6 models from the game show, Deal or No Deal. Man, first Tom Arnold and now these women…I mean, if anything, you should watch this show for the celebrity cameos.

Now each comic will go from person to person and have one minute with each of them. HOWEVER, being the tricksters that they are, LCS has decided to replace 4 of the models with "special guests." Ooh! It's getting so exciting now! I hope they haven't jumped the shark with this stunt. Before the comics go on their "laughs" (get it, instead of "dates"…I'm just trying to go with the flow, "when in Rome," you know?), we see Mel Silverback banging a gong to initiate the challenge. Why can't he slowly place his head on that gold circle and have someone bang his fucking brains out? Next week's episode should have a Mexican wrestler fight him and in the grand tradition of Mexican wrestling, after Mel Silverback loses (and he will!), they need to unmask him…and then stab him in the fucking head! Okay, so maybe that last part isn't in the grand tradition of Mexican wrestling…but what a fun addition, huh?!
("But it is in the grand tradition of Mexicans," as my lovely boyfriend put it.)

The first guest is one of the models named Levla. The first comic to walk in was Ralph Harris, who didn't say much, just mumbled and stumbled his way through. He said it was because she was pretty. Oh, Jesus, save me…
When Doug Benson saw Levla, he proceeded to charm her by telling his bit of how he leaves his socks on during sex. Class act all the way.
Lavell Crawford, always the one to have any fat joke for any occasion, compared the model's breasts to his own and said that at least he doesn't have implants.
Jon Reep, ever so confusing, said how he got a paper cut the first time he kissed a girl. I might be misquoting but I'm going to ask a general consensus…should I start researching before writing this? Is there perhaps some unknown knowledge that everyone else knows besides me and in having this knowledge, I'd better understand the jokes? Would they be funnier? Any answers at all, please message me. I'd love some understanding.
Amy Schumer, who again impressed me with how well she executed the challenge, said to Levla if she ever gets tired of guys constantly using her for her brains. Simply awesome.
I should mention now that they didn't show EVERY comic with EVERY guest. I suppose we're better off. However, it also confused me because I only counted 5 guests and they said there were 6. My theory is the 6th one was Mel Silverback. Again, I'm sure we're better off.

The second guest was another model named Haley. When Matt Kirshen came in, he stuck with his "little boy" persona and said that this looked like a movie in which he's the dorky student who's helping her with her science project in exchange for her teaching him how to dance.
After that, they only showed Amy Schumer with Haley. Amy began asking her about celebrity gossip; about Paris Hilton, "and that chihuahua she always hangs out with…Nicole Richie." I think Kathy Griffin would've been proud.

The third guest (the first of the surprises) was…a drag queen! What?! In Los Angeles!? Wow, the producers have spared no expense looking for this rare gem on location. When Lavell Crawford walked in, he said the funniest thing he's said this entire season (yes, it happened). He walked in, saw the drag queen, and without missing a beat, he says, "Hey KISS, I have all your albums." I was impressed. I was also so impressed by how he said a whole seven words and DIDN'T mention his weight.
Matt Kirshen saw the drag queen and said that it was a court case waiting to happen. Good line.
Amy Schumer asked if the drag queen would've been her friend in high school…the answer was no.

The fourth guest was a nun, Sister Rose. Ralph Harris walked in wearing his huge character glasses and kept asking if she was really a nun. I don't know…you figure it out.
Doug Benson went in the direction that I really appreciated…to be the most inappropriate you can possibly be. He did his sex material for the nun, telling her how he acts during sex. What I thought was even funnier was that he delivered the material as if he was conversing with her about the subject, "You know how I act during sex, Sister?" He said later that he was going to lose anyway, so why not do something inappropriate?
Amy Schumer, in my opinion, did the best job with this guest. She says, "Oh, you're a nun?" then launches into this story about this old woman on the subway asking her about religion and says that maybe she hasn't heard the good news that Amy can be saved. She says to the woman that she's Jewish, and the subway woman says, "That's okay, your people just haven't found Jesus." Amy responds to this woman, "Oh, we found him…maybe you haven't heard the bad news." The nun looks confused for a moment then immediately gets it and actually smiles.
Jon Reep and Sister Rose talk about Hickory, NC. Sigh…

The fifth guest was a clown named Twinkie. Doug Benson walked in and started hitting on the clown, as she was a woman, and asked if he had any chance with her.
Gerry Dee, before this guest, said how he would do the same material for every person he saw. For every other guest, he said how women plan things in advance and that guys don't do that. Hmm, with a winner like that, I'm surprised it didn't work for everybody. However, with Twinkie, he actually used a good association by saying that Twinkie is a clown and must work with kids; he goes on to say how he used to teach kids and he had this one student who irritated him.
Lavell Crawford said that the clown shouldn't say her name, "because if you say Twinkie, I just might bite you…you look like a birthday cake." You know something? Call me crazy, but I THINK he made these food jokes because he's fat.
"Oh, is he fat? I hadn't heard." – Harry Terjanian [Sorry, I had to quote this, it was too funny when it was told to me.]

The six guests that the comics encountered determined the winner of this challenge, and finally, after weeks and weeks, someone who deserved to win really did win: Amy Schumer! First time I cheered during this damn season…good, they made the right decision. She commented how Lavell Crawford and Ralph Harris looked pissed that she won. "I thought they were my friends." Ah, fuck them, sweetheart! Ralph is mad because he's old and Lavell…well…he's probably just hungry, don't worry about them.

After this, for some reason, to "de-stress," they went to see this two women therapists and do some exercises. Doug Benson had a better way of "dumping your stress" : "Tell a dirty joke to a nun." Since I live next to three churches, I may try that this week. After the therapy session, the comics went to the Santa Monica Pier; we saw a Ferris wheel in the background on these fairgrounds, a beach, and a huge bonfire that the comics sat by. I must say that the tourist office for California must love NBC; the Santa Monica Pier, the LA Stadium…all they need is to show more drag queens and California is all set!

The voting went as follows:
Amy Schumer voted for Ralph Harris
Ralph Harris voted for Doug Benson
Doug Benson voted for Ralph Harris
Matt Kirshen voted for Gerry Dee
Lavell Crawford voted for Jon Reep
Gerry Dee voted for Lavell Crawford
Jon Reep voted for Matt Kirshen

Therefore, since Amy Schumer had immunity, Doug Benson and Ralph Harris had to go and vote who they want to challenge together…which was Matt Kirshen. Big bullies picking on the young kid. So, now, going to the Last Comic Theater would be Doug Benson, Ralph Harris, and Matt Kirshen. Only one of them was going to stay.
And once again, before the challenge began, Bill Bellamy decided to enhance our evening even further with some "comedy." Remember the good old days when Bill Bellamy was nothing more than the voice of a puppet on Nickelodeon? I remember a time when I had no idea who the hell Bill Bellamy was, but I did watch Cousin Skeeter every week. Oh, how I miss my childhood.

Matt Kirshen: Even though he kept saying how nervous he was, I was impressed that he hid it well. He was already stressing about going against 2 men who have had 40+ years experience put together…but all things considering, he did well. He started to say how he can't do the local California accent and apparently, can't even do an English accent because everyone thinks of a British accent differently; like that of a "friendly chimney sweep." He went on to say that if he breaks a traffic law, he likes to be naked because when they capture a photo of you on the road, no oneiso going to want to look at a picture of a naked child. He ended his set with how he likes to listen to live albums during sex because you get the applause. It wasn't the strongest I've seen him, but I really hoped it had been enough.

Ralph Harris: This arrogant ass kept saying how he wasn't nervous. Yeah, we get it, you have been in the business for hundreds of years compared to Matt's eight years. That doesn't mean you're going to be funny every single time and it doesn't mean the audience will like you! I was really hoping he was going to bomb after his behavior. I can understand when comics aren't nervous sometimes because they are confident…but there is a thin line between confidence and cockiness. However, despite my prayers, he did fantastic. But then again, he's been doing the same A-material for about ten years, so no wonder it worked. He went to talk about how his wife shares his clothing and ties his shirt around her waist, "Hey, I don't wear your tube tops!…I don't wear them when you're in the house…" Granted, it was good material…but it was also good ten years ago when I first saw him.

Doug Benson: The alternative comic of the bunch, Doug Benson came out saying that religion is fine as long as you don't push it on other people. If someone said to him, "Are you going to Hell?", he'd respond, "No, but if you need a lift I'm going through Bakersfield." He then started joyfully screaming about his local reference. I really have never been a fan of Doug Benson. I liked him in the show, but not on stage (which doesn't say much for the comic). He also adjusted the only joke I like from him, that he only has had sex in months that end in "-bruary." It used to be "-arch."

Not to my surprised, the winner of the challenge who will continue into the final five, was Ralph Harris. Even though it was a close vote, he still won. Just on principal alone, that pissed me off. Arrogant jerk. As we saw Matt Kirshen and Doug Benson walking away, Doug said into the camera: "I don't need to be the last comic standing. I'm gonna have a seat. I'm going to relax." Amen, Doug Benson, amen.

Therefore, the final five comics in Last Comic Standing, season 5 are:
Amy Schumer, Ralph Harris, Gerry Dee, Jon Reep, and Lavell Crawford.

[Original post date: August 19th, 2007]