Thursday, August 30, 2007

Last Comic Standing, season 5, episode 1

Here we are once again for the fifth season of Last Comic Standing. Why the fuck do I keep torturing myself with this show? It includes everything that's wrong with television, comedy, and just society in general. They all, over time, have gradually been infected with this rare form of stupidity…it still shocks me.
We join Ant, Kathleen Madigan, and Alonzo Bodden as the "talent scouts." [They replaced the two homos from the other seasons. The difference this time around is that they went to spread their awfulness around the world: Australia, England…even Arizona! The prizes? Money, a contract, and a Bravo comedy special (I'm still wondering why no Comedy Central Presents special instead…probably because most of the idiots on this show already have ESTABLISHED CAREERS!)

We start off, naturally, in New York. You know the drill: see the people on the street, waiting for hours; see the many "comics" perform for the judges; then see the showcase at the end.

Some of the comics who went in front of the judges were:

Danny Morsel: He had a puppet strapped to his body like a ticking bomb and then he proceeded to "combat dance." Oh, how I wish it turned out to be an explosive on his chest. He obviously didn't make it through.

Lori Chase: Blond version of April Macie…that's all I need to say. But she made it. UGH!

Will Sacco: He sounded like Jeremy Hotz, was extremely awkward, kept cackling and thankfully didn't make it through.

Dwayne Kennedy: You probably have seen him on Conan, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Comedy Central Presents, and Premium Blend. So wait…what's he doing here?

I know what you're thinking: "Isn't this for undiscovered, struggling comics?" Why, my dear viewer/reader, you've been deceived. For more information, go to and listen to the wonderful podcast of Joe DeRosa. You'll hear what I mean.

Michelle Buteau: If Stella (from LCS season 4) and Kimberly Locke had a baby and wondered why people think she's Puerto Rican. She made it through. Sigh…

Harry Berberian: It already scared me that this Armenian comic's name was VERY similar to another awesome Armenian comic's name…and the two couldn't be any more different. Harry, with his puppet dragon Hortense, on his hand proceeded to talk about how his Chinese girlfriend tastes sweet…and sour. He didn't make it through.

Jason Scarlatti: Very gay, very thin, and dressed in a VERY pink shirt. His opener (and consequently, his closer): if a gay man robbed a bank, he'd wear a pink fishnet stocking on his head. Get it?! Instead of the normal beige stocking that normal robbers wear! Oh wow! I don't know how this guy didn't get through!

Chris White: This freckled red-haired young'in claimed he was 14 years old in his act. Maybe that and the fact that he looked like Clay Aiken is why he made it through.

Amy Schumer: Oh boy…from the looks of this girl, I hated her. Mostly because she was a woman. Her joke about her mother claiming she was an angel really made me wish she was dead. She made it through.

Jane Condon: She's an older woman. She's a mother. And a comic…she is NOT. Her only joke I remember is how people are against same-sex marriage…but any married couple knows that after a certain number of years, it's always the same sex. She really needs to join Milton Berle in Hell just for stealing one of his jokes. Next I expect to hear "Good evening ladies and germs, I'm just living my dream up here…"

Arj Barker: See Dwayne Kennedy.

The showcase at New York showed 15 comics (at least on TV). The ones who went through to the semi-finals are in bold:
Pete Dominick
Victor Varnando (See Arj Barker)
Dwayne Kennedy
Wali Collins
Michelle Buteau
Chris White
Lori Chase
Jay Oakerson
Jane Condon
Calise Hawkins
Arj Barker
Joe Devito
Matt Kazam
Amy Schumer

Now, if it were up to me? I'd put Jay Oakerson, Costaki Economopoulos, Arj Barker, Victor Varnando, Dwayne Kennedy, and...don't kill me...Amy Schumer. I hate her persona and her voice is irritating, but she won me over with a good joke. Her friend announces she's having a baby to Amy and her friends and ends it with, "And guys...I'm keeping this one." Amy's shock ("What?! People keep them? That's crazy!") is what made it funny...even if her voice was irritating.

Don't you judge me.

The next stop was...Canada? Alright, I guess...
It began with the same shit, so let's just get to the rotten meat of this sandwich:

Richard Ryder: WAY too much energy, not enough hair, and was basically a cheery Canadian version of Scott Kennedy. And a lot less funnier. His signature joke was that in "gay," you're dead when you turn 40. He made it through.

Max Mault: This man gave me the wise advice that to quit hot turkey sandwiches, you have to quit cold turkey. I was SHOCKED when he didn't make it through.

Gerry Dee: He looks like a mix of John Heffron and Darren Carter and just like them...he shouldn't be lying to America (or Canada for that matter) by calling himself a comic. However, he made it through.

Here's where I noticed something different in the structure of the show. One comic will come up, do something, and that will prompt one of the judges to say how they've seen SO MUCH of this ______ in the competition.
At this point in time, a woman came up and was unfunny (WHAT?!) so Kathleen Madigan said, "I want more funny women." This launched into a montage guessed it...unfunny women: Jennifer Grant, Julia Bruce, Katherine Ryan, Lauri Elliot, and Bonnie McBride....all unfunny women. Or really, just normal women comics.

That is, until
Debra DiGiovanni showed up. Oh, how I long for the days of April Macie. I really started to miss her watching this Kathy Najimy look-alike. She had the energy of Rachael Ray and the appetite of a stegosaurus. "I'm a retrosexual...that means I haven't had sex in 20 years..and I like to do it to 80s music. Who's hungry like the wolf? ME!"
I swear, that joke was verbatim. Of course, she made it through and said to the camera: "Yeah, it feels good." I'm sure it does...just like your last angioplasty. Sigh...let the train wreck continue.

DeAnne Smith: You can guess how much I love my combinations...and this is a sour cocktail of Tig and Winona Ryder. Thin, short pixie haircut, emo black glasses...and no jokes. Miraculously though, she made it through.

Mel Silverback: I write this, I'm fighting off an ulcer that this fucking moron gave me. If you couldn't tell by his last name, this man came out with a gorilla mask on...because he was "half Jewish, half silverback gorilla."

Little known fact about silverback gorillas: These animals don't have aposable thumbs, so therefore it would've been impossible for him to hold up a mic. [Thanks for the tip, Sam!] Oh...I can't go on...I really can't. Is THIS what's passing for comedy nowadays? Whatever, this asshole made it through.

I need a drink. But now, the Canada showcase in Montreal:
Richard Ryder
Ryan Belleville (I gotta say, this guy was actually good)
Graham Clark
Alan Park
Trevor Park
DeAnne Smith
Gerry Dee
Deb DiGiovanni
James Cunningham
That idiot in the gorilla mask

C'mon...are you really shocked at this point by their choices?

Next they were off to San Antonio, Texas. Because when I think of comedy...oh yeah, I think of Texas. To begin, they showed six horrible comics in a row (I know, is that any different from the rest of the show? ZING!)
Courntey Nagler, Dustin Ybarra, Susan Dak, Douglas Donsone, Patrick Stuart Stanley, and J.R. Brow: all NO! I must say that the last guy got the last laugh...Ant mentioned something about him bombing and how he wouldn't want that or something, so J.R. Brow says: "I'll do your act!" It did have a feel of the pot calling the kettle a hack...but funny nonetheless. And on we go...

Ralph Harris: This guy I remember seeing way back in 2000. I never heard from him after that. He did fairly well here and he made it through.

Bob Biggerstaff: The only thing I remember about this guy is his last name and that he made it through. That should tell you something.

Andi Smith: Now, I should explain that in order to have written this review, I took notes during the show. My only note for Andi was "Zzzzzzz." I sorry it couldn't be more accurate than that...but she made it through.

Billy D. Washington: Another comic that joined the club of "Weren't you on Premium Blend years ago?" He had a mediocre joke about not wanting to date older women because he doesn't know who his biological mother is. He made it through.

Now here's the segment of LCS called "Montage and the City." Alright, not really, but this segment was now about too many comics who the judges saw that just swore too much. I wish I could get those 2 minutes of my life back (oh, and I guess the several hours of watching this damn show). And we continue...

Sabrina Matthews: I saw her on Comedy Central Presents in 2001 and I was impressed with her. She's intelligent, sharp, clever and sharp and I'm actually happy she made it through to the showcase. Even though I know she's above this shit show.

Johnny Elbow: I'm on the fence about this guy. He had one good jokes (which, I've noticed, is all LCS will show you) about seeing anti-drug ads in your office and how they're really directed at one worked. He made it through.

And now the showcase:
Ralph Harris
Andi Smith
Bob Biggerstaff
Sabrina Matthews
Robert Hawkins
Roy Wood Jr.
Phil Palisoul
Billy D. Washington
Dean Lewis
Johnny Elbow

Yay for Sabrina! Boo for everyone one! I really need that drink now.

[Original post date: June 27th, 2007]


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