Friday, August 31, 2007

Last Comic Standing, season 5, episode 8

Gather ye round ye televisions sets and prepare to set forth on a night of horrendous comedy. Alright, well...I can't speak "ye Old English," but that was the chosen theme of tonight's episode. The comics were brought to Medieval Times [sans Mel Silverback the bus driver, thank God!]. I'll spare you my brief memory flashbacks of The Cable Guy and let's just get right to it.

"Who will move closer to the opportunity of a lifetime?" announced Bill one that deserves it, that's for sure.

The comics go to the "jousting arena" and briefly watch the knights fight each other. They are then lead to this dining area with a huge Old English type table with a FEAST on it. Huge turkeys, breads, a myriad of fruits; and at first I thought it was unfair of them to just feed Debra DiGiovani, but then they all sat down to eat, so my concerns dissipated. Their upcoming challenge was to write jokes in this medieval style (all the while, dressed in loud, colorful jester outfits). If you didn't think this show was like a fucking circus, THIS confirms that. They brought the comics out in pairs and each had an assigned colored flag; the audience raised their flags for who they thought won.

1) Lavell Crawford & Doug Benson: Lavell has this uncanny ability to be tired and hack in any situation and it's nice to know that he would've been just as unfunny hundreds of years ago. He walked out in this horrifying red and blue jester outfit and said he got it at the "Medieval Big and Tall." If you can tell me why this is funny or original, please message me because maybe I'm missing something.
Doug Benson came out and shouted, "Where are my wenches at!?" I appreciate how much he was executing the challenge. His whole set was said with this affected British accent and he used "medieval lingo." He then said he has good news and bad news: the bad news is that if he doesn't win, the king will have him flogged within an inch of his life. The good news is that he likes it. I thought this was a great use of writing jokes within the confines of a challenge and in terms of these types of reality shows, that's your job: do what you do best within the terms of the challenge and I commend Doug Benson for doing just that. However, this is a CRAPPY reality show, so Lavell won against Doug.

2) Ralph Harris & Jon Reep: Jon Reep was out first and he just didn't even try; "You ever been to a Renaissance Fair? You see weird things...the animals watch the people walk around." Again, message me if I'm missing something.
Ralph Harris did even worse, if that was possible. He said how his wife is riding his ass all the time. This reminds me of being in grammar school when we were taught the parts of a sentence, the subject and the predicate. This time, I feel like dissecting to point out the setup and the punchline. And I can't. Just like in school, if there wasn't a subject or a predicate, there was no sentence...if there's no punchline, there is no joke.
Jon Reep won. "Jon Reep" is the subject, "won" is the predicate.

3) Gerry Dee & Amy Schumer: Gerry Dee attempted political humor by saying that "you guys" (meaning these Medieval folk) had a division of rich and poor like we have with the Bush family. [Insert laughter here?]
Amy Schumer throughout all the challenges, I noticed, liked to talk to the audience. Even though it was a huge arena, she liked directing questions to the people: "You ladies ever been married?...I had a little problem with the ale....any of you wenches like the ale?"
Maybe this kind of connection is why she won this round.

4) Matt Kirshen & Debra DiGiovani: If it were up to me, Matt Kirshen would've taken this entire challenge home. While Doug may have sounded like a Medieval jester and did a pretty good job, Matt wrote some very clever jokes that Medieval folks could relate to. He talked about how a security guard for a castle must feel bad because he knows he's cheaper than a moat. It was very clever and the fact that he wrote this on the fly before the challenge makes me want to go fetch him a turkey leg.
Debra DiGiovani...she once again brought her eye-gouging enthusiasm hundreds of years back. She said how she might be a jester on the outside, but on the inside she's all wench and she wants to get lanced a lot.
I don't know how, but Debra DiGiovani won by about 5 flags. I know I'm from Florida, but I WANT A RECOUNT! [Yes, I just made a 7 year old reference, sue me.]

1) Jon Reep & Lavell Crawford: Jon said he bought a sausage from a one armed man and Lavell said that affirmative action hasn't been invented yet. They were both still painful to watch, but Lavell won this round.
2) Amy Schumer & Debra DiGiovani: Amy made a sex joke about how Bill Bellamy takes a few minutes, but he's like a knight and Debra said she's covered in goat hair. Now put those two images together! Amy won this round.

Now it was between the winners of Round 2, Jon Reep & Amy Schumer.

Jon Reep: Just like Doug Benson and Matt Kirshen, it was now Jon Reep's turn to actually do the assigned challenge. Even though it was hack material, at least it was Medieval hack material. He started out by saying that he just flew in from middle earth, and boy is his dragon tired. Oh boy. He then launched into this long story about his dragon and how he got pulled over for an F.U.I.: Flying Under the Influence.
Amy Schumer: Amy followed with her style of connecting with the crowd: "Who's getting pillaged tonight!" She stuck with her unique style of slightly disturbing material said in that inncoent girly way: "This is really exciting since I just lost my chasity my cousin." It was a nice surprise and again, she remained within the limits of the challenge.
Jon Reep won the last round and immunity, so he can't be eliminated.

And once again, they went into the little booth and voted:
Jon Reep voted for Debra DiGiovani
Gerry Dee voted for Lavell Crawford
Amy Schumer voted for Gerry Dee
Ralph Harris voted for Amy Schumer
Matt Kirshen voted for Debra DiGiovani
Debra DiGiovani voted for Matt Kirshen
Doug Benson voted for Ralph Harris
Lavell Crawford voted for Doug Benson

Therefore Matt Kirshen & Debra DiGiovani were up against each other. At the challenge stage or what they called the "Last Comic Stage," Bill Bellamy performed again. Yep, not making that up. And once again, I'm going to spare you and myself of recalling the horror that is the decades-old comparison of white people to black people.

Debra DiGiovani: I love how she talks about subjects that we really have no interest in picturing: her going lingerie shopping, her huge bra that other people have to help her put on, a body fat test that apparently she didn't study for (yes, that was one of her punchlines...she had a body fat test done and she had "no chance to study"). I only laughed at the end when she said that if she's 50% body fat, "I think that technically makes me cream." It was one of the few jokes I heard her say at a normal pace and not at a hundred miles per hour. However, she went back to her old ways with "I may die alone, but I go great with coffee!...I just need my Coffee-mate!" UGH! If she was cream, I'd fucking blend her career up with a mixer.
Matt Kirshen: While I don't think he's the funniest person I've ever seen, during this show, I've grown to like him. At first I couldn't relate to his "little boy" tone at first, but it fit during his act; sharing things with the audience as if he's discovered them for the first time as well (much like a little boy on Christmas day...or in his case, Passover). He talked about how he's Jewish, but he's not that religious, "because's bacon's nice...that's like driving the speed limit when there's no cops." He went on to say that some of his friends are health nuts and scold him for taking aspirin, and why doesn't he use something more natural in his body. his response: "Heroin is natural...nicotine is natural...a pack of wolves..."

And here's where I got back a little bit more faith in stand up comedy reality Last Comic Standing...

Debra DiGiovani was NOT chosen as the audience's favorite and sent home! Oh there is a God and this week, he chose me as one of his favorite children and released me from this curse that we have called the Jessica Kirson wananbe: Debra DiGiovani. Let's hope next week is just as promising...

[Original post date: August 9th, 2007]

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