Last Comic Standing, season 5, episode 3

Cheerio Chaps! If you fancy some horrible comedy, well then park your bums right there; you're in the right place! 'Ere we are in London, England!

Spencer Brown: I think this guy had a good opener, mostly because he somewhat tricked the judges. They clapped after something and he said, "Thank you! Or as my dyslexic friends would say...thank you!" The judges stare at him as if he just bombed, but he surprises them with, "It doesn't affect your speech," as if they were the idiots (which they are), but it was a very clever surprise. He made it through.

They did their montage early on in the show, this time in honor of being in England, they showed a bunch of British comedians who were so polite even after they were rejected.

Josh Howie: I really just hated this guy. He went to a slightly alternative route, saying how he would want to form a Jewish rap group (since he's Jewish) and call it "Circumsized." I realize now that I bet the joke was "circumsized" would be spelled wrong...but who knows? "Convert, bitch, convert." Ugh...of course he made it through.

Tiffany Stevenson: Now I always hate comedians who talk about mainstream- type stuff: new popular reality tv shows, celebrities, gossip, stupid shit like that. This woman's only joke was how the concept of "Desperate Housewives" wouldn't work in England. She made it through.

Andres Caballero: "Dolphins are gay sharks." NO!

Ava Vidal: This woman had a very irritating slow delivery and looked like she just woke out of a drug-induced coma. Miraculously, she moved on.

Buddy: I did not understand a word this guy said. I know he mentioned fruit and that was it. Ant made a big deal how he was awful and shouldn't make it through, but Kathleen and Alonzo convinced him otherwise.

I'm still very insulted they had their showcase at The Comedy Store in England. How dare they bring those awful hacks into a place where wonderful comics like Tony Slattery, Stephen Fry, and John Sessions performed!? It's sacreligious:
Josh Howie
Ava Vidal
Spencer Brown
Benny Boot
Tiffany Stevenson
Keith Kiesewetter (Dat Phan in 15 years...and no funnier)
Buddy
Matt Kiersan

Now, here's where LCS did something unprecendented. Something that was never done before. They showed someone bombing. The comic Buddy came on, and they showed the audience not laughing at anything. At one point, they cut to Ant who made an explosion noise to the other judges. This really pissed me off. About 90% of those fucking hacks from ALL 4 SEASONS probably did just as bad...but to show America that Ant knew what he was talking about, NOW they show the audience's dead reaction? Fuck your mother, Jay Mohr, for creating this atrocity.
What did make me feel better was Matt Kiersan's great joke. He pondered about what they would call New Orleans after they rebuilt it, so he said they would call it "New Improved Orleans Ultra...now whiter than ever." So great!

Now we move on to...Minneapolis, Minnesota??? Oh wait...you know why? Dave Mordal, Bill Dwyer, AND Josh Blue came from there. Well, then by all means, that must mean there are legends in the making up here in Minnesota!

James Francis: Once again, we seem to find the alternative comics in the oddest places. This guy came out in a suit and a derby and began talking like an old-timey salesman from the vaudeville ages. He didn't make it...guess they don't have a taste for the classics.

Bob Zany: This man also came out in a suit, but he had a cigar in his hand; reminded me of a used car salesman. He also had the style of an older generation comic. He talked about how he was in a hotel and wanted internet access. They said they were gonna give him a view of the topless area of the pool. "Well, if I have that, then I won't need the internet access!" Oh! Funny man! Ugh...someone get that giant cane...

These comics are so silly that this week, that they dedicated their montage to all the silly, goofy comics they found. Something tells me they're running out of ideas.

Lil Rel: I did not understand a word this guy said. But he had a shirt with his name on it...maybe that's why he made it through.

John Evans: More mother jokes. He said how his mother wanted to email the president about the problem of immigration. He then said how the president is basically too dumb to understand that. Oh how I'm going to miss these earth-shattering creative jokes about how our president is dumb when the next election rolls around. He moved on.

Hiawatha Rutherland: I don't think this guy got even four words out when Kathleen said she wanted to shove a fork in her eye. And the first time in 3 weeks, I agreed with her on something.

Tracey Ashley: This woman said she takes the morning after pill like it's a daily vitamin. Thank you for moving the women's movement back about four decades and moving comedy back even further. This terror made it through.

Doug Benson: I HATE THIS GUY!!!! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HIM!!!!!! *Ahem* Sorry. You probably have seen him on VH1, Comedy Central Presents, Premium Blend, and EVERY SINGLE late night show. I have no clue why he's here and I wish he'd kill himself. I guess because since both him and Ant work for VH1, he had to put this retard through.

Time for the showcase at the Acme Comedy Co. Unfortunately, no anvils dropped on any of these terrible hacks.
Tommy Johnagin
Lil Rel
Doug Benson
Dan Cummins
Tracey Ashley
John Evans
Bob Zany

They announced at the end that the next episode will be in two weeks when they visit...Arizona? I'm really starting to think they just put a map on a board and threw darts. London and Minneapolis, Texas and Austrailia. Next season, I can just see it: "Now, we're heading off to Paraguay and Junaeu, Alaska! Then next week, it's off to Augusta, Maine and Turkey!" At least I'll have two weeks to recover from this nightmare.

Save me.

[Original [post date: June 28th, 2007]